Moving forward

Playing in the dirt at ridecamp

I've been resisting posting, and I've even considered deleting this whole blog, the past few weeks. It turns out, that for most of the time I've been trying to write here, my life has been a lie. Many of the thoughts I have when I think about what has happened are ugly, not fit for daylight, to be contained within the pages of a journal. Others are despairing, bringing me close to the depression I fought last summer. Others are the pure heartbreak of any woman left behind, confused and desperate and lonely. 

Enjoying the river at Lithia Park

But I no longer have the luxury of wallowing, or allowing myself to be controlled by depression or anger or loneliness. I do not live only for myself, and now there is no one to help me, or to pick up the slack like last summer. There is only Kaeden and I against the world. Somewhere in among the plotting of petty revenge and the crying jags, I realized that life could be better. Life could be good. I could have what I wanted, what I thought was best for Kaeden. I could have fun.

At the pediatrician's office

 Eventually, I could work towards the farm stead I've been building in my mind, where Kaeden digs the eggs out of the chicken coop every morning for breakfast and helps me feed our horses before we head off to work and school, with a weekend ride to look forward to. I can have this better life, just me and Kaeden. I can manage to make it happen. So I have a plan, something to get me moving forward and working each day to dig myself out of this hole. 

"Good morning, gorgeous mother" (said in James Bond's voice)

Today was the first really good day I've had in weeks, where I didn't wake up exhausted, or spend an hour crying on the floor, or loosing my breath to the loneliness. Today just clicked and everything flowed smoothly for once. I woke up to my son's warm body burrowing under the covers next to me and laying his blonde head under my chin, for once having had enough sleep. I made us eggs for breakfast while Kade supervised in his tower in the kitchen and the Rugrats cartoon played in the background. I have moved my flat screen TV into the kitchen, since the only time I spend in my room is to read Kaeden a book before bed time or to catch desperately needed sleep myself. Also I'm trying to motive myself to learn to cook better and healthier foods, and I've found joy in canning!

Straining blackberries to make juice concentrate

I managed to get us both fed, dressed and out the door without even casting a longing look at my nice, comfortable bed with clean sheets. Armed with my green horse bucket, I took Kaeden down to a little park by the river and we spent two hours picking black berries. Well, I picked blackberries, and Kaeden ate them almost as fast as I was filling the bucket.  I picked 2 gallons of berries, Kaeden ate a ridiculous amount and ran around like a crazy child. He is learning to listen to me, though. Whenever I asked him not to wander, he would come right back near me. When I asked him to grab the water bottle, he brought it right over. He tried to follow me into the monster bushes once and quickly learned to just wait on the grass for me to bring the bucket to him. 

Tis the season for berries!...

...and playing in puddles!

For some reason, I had a blast. The park was quiet, unless you count the roar of the river through the old mill and someone dropping trees with a chainsaw not far away (a deeply nostalgic sound for me). I kept thinking of the jam I was going to learn to make while I contorted myself and tried not to curse too loudly when a thorn bit me, and Kaeden was content to eat black berries and chase fairies. We strolled on home, snacking the whole way, in time for me to clean us both up and read to Kaeden before nap time and get to work. Kaeden did eventually fall asleep for nap time, a half hour into my one hour shift. But first he scattered all my q-tips on the ground, and then curled up on top of the pile with his big green blankie, tuckered out from causing a mess. We both had a long, comfortable nap, a perfect way to recharge. 

Golden afternoon child

We turned the kitchen upside down to Grey's Anatomy and I managed to only somewhat ruin my first batch of cookies I've made in more than a year (I made them too big, so they didn't quite cook all the way through. But I love cookie dough!) We ate a bunch of leftovers for dinner, showed his grandparents his purple streaked belly, face and arms through the magic of Skype, and managed to not soak the bathroom during his bath.  We chased each other around the house after bath time like the crazy people we are, and I focused just on my son's incredible giggling laugh, the way he completely throws himself into having fun.  I finally exhausted him enough to curl up into my bed with his favorite stuffed elephant Babar, and I read a few chapters of "Lamb" to him until his eyes were closed and his breathing evened out. I performed the delicate task of lifting him from my bed and settling him into his crib without his eyes opening, and crept out to continue my show and attack the mess of the kitchen and living room. 

Breakfast in the tent at ride camp, watching the 30 milers head out

Kid loves dirt

We are moving forward. There are days when all I can feel is the crushing loneliness, the feeling of sharing my life with another adult, of laughing at jokes and sharing the load. But not today. Today, I did the needful, and I dared to enjoy myself. I have a plan, and I actually look forward to being successful, to a complete change in my life-except for one thing. Today, I enjoyed single motherhood. I managed to get everything done without any help, and my son had a great day. So long as I can say that about most of my days, life is good.