Consequences

Kaeden and I are moving back up to Portland in a week. On my to-do list are all the details that surround moving; contacting landlords, utilities, and Kaeden's old daycare (good news: they have a full time spot for him in the toddler room! This means I can work normal hours, and best of all...sleep like I need to!); booking a Uhaul, selling and donating everything I don't plan to keep; hunting up boxes for packing; taking pictures and curtains down; all in the midst of trying to work as close to 40 hours a week as possible, keeping Kaeden and I fed and happy and the house spotless for tours.

I finished writing my to-do list on my white erase board with my calendar, and seeing that I only had a week to take care of everything made me start crying, because I realized the consequences of my choices. My parents warned me to find a cheaper place, but I fell in love with this unit. I love this unit, and the past few weeks it's been just Kaeden and I, I've actually enjoyed caring for it by myself, enjoyed, mostly, the feeling that it's clean because I did it, and it's organized just the way I want it. As painful as the memories are here, I hate to move again so soon, and not just because I failed; to be good enough, to be selfless enough, or whatever it was that broke everything.

 I love the way this space is laid out, entry to kitchen to living room, the office and Kade's play room, and I especially love my bedroom, with my big queen bed that Kade and I wrestle and cuddle and read on, his crib right next to my bed, my wardrobe and laundry basket and bookshelf just so. I love the convenience of the washer and dryer right there in the middle, making actually doing laundry so much less tedious. I love the way I've placed the photos and prints on the wall, the way I've organized Kaeden's toys throughout the place. My favorite room is the kitchen, and I've found joy there recently, Kaeden in his tower eating blackberries and Goldfish, me cooking sloppy joes and chicken tenders or washing dishes by hand while we watch "The Office" or "Rugrats" on the small TV. 

I hate that I have to give this all up. We made it less than two months on our own, and that is humiliating to me.  Now I have to move again, because I didn't make the right choice is taking a less expensive, smaller unit, something I could afford on my own. But for the past three and half years, I haven't thought like that. I haven't thought of just myself, no matter how selfish I'm accused of being. For the past 19 months, minus my post natal depression, I've been training myself, sometimes more successfully than others, to think of an us, a unit, to put others first. It was until a few weeks ago an ongoing struggle for me, a fight to overcome my innate selfish, only child nature. Then everything broke and there was no more luxury of it being a struggle to put someone else first. It was a necessity, something I have to do without consideration, like breathing. 

Kaeden comes first. That is the first, middle, and last bottom line now. I may hate to leave this unit on one hand, but on the other I cannot wait to be gone. Here I failed, here holds one of the most painful moments of my life, here only holds more pain and struggle and failure to come if I try to hold on too tight.  Moving holds promise, hope, support, and it's the best thing for both of us. I can apply for better jobs, jobs with advancement and better pay and a chance, perhaps, to meet someone else eventually. Kaeden will be back with part of his family, and have a chance to visit the other part with the money I'll save. Kaeden will have a mother who, after 9 months of horrid sleeping patterns, will be back to fully charged and clear headed. Moving is the right choice for both of us.

I just wish all of this didn't hurt so much, but this means the lessons I learned here will stick. Keep my eyes open, stick to a budget, hoard a pile away for the stormiest days, and never again grow complacent. 

The Hunger Games is one of my favorite series, and one of my new favorite movies. The title song Taylor Swift did for the movie is my new theme song, which best sums up how I feel lately.