Welcome 2015

I thought about doing one of those “year in review” things that tend to happen right about now. Funder did a nice, long, thick one (baby didn't pop til the New Year though), Gttyup did a beautiful one with photos from each month, & Becky did hers in normal comical, try not to giggle like a school girl at work style. Me? I just throw a bunch of words out there & see if they make any sense...

For me, while there were plenty of highlights (the foster dogs that I fell in love with, half marathon completion, new boyfriend, kid still alive, new car), this year was mostly a holding pattern. I kept a nice, boring job I struggled to adjust to, & accept the reality of putting Kade first always. This past year it meant, due to lack of finances & time, no more riding for now. I kinda feel that the biggest Event to happen last year wasn’t just one thing I can point to & share cute (or grainy cell phone) pictures of. Even though I’m still struggling financially, I felt like I became an Adult last year.

It didn’t happen all at once; it didn’t happen right after Tristan & I split, or when I got the keys to our own house, or while I was a Park Ranger, or right when I got this job. I started the process then, but now it’s an automatic twitch to bury the “But I want…” voice inside my head. I want more time to ride; I want all the bills paid with a wag of my finger & a wiggle of my nose; I want a sleek, sexy new tablet; I want to be able to foster boxers; I want to own my nice little cabin in the country on five to ten acres that backs up to BLM land; I want to be half the cook Julia Child was & write the world’s next best summer blockbuster novel. I want to be a farrier, a draft horse logger, a carriage driver, an Outdoor School Principle.

Overriding all of those wants & fun things is Kade. My son of the golden hair & sweetest smiles, cuddly little boy smell, too many scrapes, cuts, & bruises to count; fantastical stories of the highest excitement & joy, willful hatred of all things naps and most foods not chicken nugget & bread related, Kade who has yet to meet a person (or fish, cat, dog, or stuffed animal) who isn’t his best friend almost instantly, or at least well charmed. Kade who made me laugh harder than I have since doing myriad stupid things in college while watching his Saturday morning toddler soccer class, the only thing in the world that’s hilarious before coffee.

I’ve reiterated it several times throughout the year, until it’s my first response to any changes or decision; how does this affect the Wild Rumpus, both short term & long term? I finally started exercising after work because he no longer notices when I pick him up at night, so long as he’s not the last one there (he never is anymore due to my work being so close to preschool).

 Introducing Tom to Kade, & vice versa, has been an adjustment (stated mildly) for all three of us. Kade’s usually a sweet, willing toddler, but cabin fever & the wild, LOUD, slightly crazy antics that can ensue can be a bit much for a self-stated geek who never babysat anyone. So can a certain nekkid toddler crawling into bed for morning cuddles, or refusing at the top of his considerable little boy lungs to go to bed, or bombing mommy with every single question the universe has ever heard uttered, all within the space of a half hour. It shouldn’t be physically possible, but it has happened. To me. I now realize why a complete deprivation chamber could be a nice vacation for an hour or so for someone with a toddler in tow.

Although it’s less than a week into the new year, I’m already feeling the potential the new calendars bring with them. Possible new diet to try with Becky, more exercises, prepping the boyfriend for more hikes, and most importantly churning out job applications. I’m still putting in my good work with my current job & there’s a lot of positives to it (number 1 aside from the paycheck is how short our daily commute is) but it’s time I can move on. I’ve put my effort & time into it & I’m now (slightly more) employable. I can turn my new skills & abilities to function in the daily sludge of boring details & office gossips to work on something hopefully closer to my heart. Even slinging papers for the parks department would be a nice change.

This time last year I was biting my fingernails & going into work each day as a temp, hoping that this wouldn’t be my last day. Now I’ve proven I can put in the time, the work, the drudgery, the learning into how to get along & get the job done. Now I have not only hope, but a certain goofy anticipation of the future being good. I have dance parties while cooking dinner & watch Kade show off his new moves (which, for some reason, include lots of head banging, as in head against fridge, cabinet, chair….) We cuddle up & watch funny TV shows, build Legos, apply for jobs, Skype with Tom during the weeks, share the hoarded Christmas candies. 

I have someone who, when I share bad news with them, offers not condolences but support & asks how they can help, or just make it a little easier.

So I go into 2015 not with resolutions to change or things to improve, but with a light heart & a handful of things I think I can get done. I want to plant a real, actual, growing garden this year, which means tackling the mess of both the basement & the yard sometime before, oh, May. I want a new job & a lot less physical, mostly unused things in my house. I want a budget I can follow, a measure of my old strength back, & to look down at the scale & see a number under 200 there.

But mostly, I aim to keep my son healthy & happy (let’s try to avoid any broken bones, shall we Kade?), my boyfriend healthy & as joyful as he gets, & somehow, sometime, some way…horse dirt under my nails again.