Father's Day

***There is a disclaimer to add before posting this blog. I’m trying my best to keep Kade sheltered from the whole mess between his dad and I, cause that’s part of my job description now. Don’t let the crap fall over onto the kid. Part of that is finding a place not only to vent, but assistance in thinking my way from my initial reaction to most things (which falls along the scale of many curse words) to an actual adult plan of action. It's taken me months to get to the place where I could write about this without the aforementioned curse words.***

Father’s Day is around the corner, and though I was raised not to pay too much attention on one particular day but rather emphasize gratitude and appreciation and showing I love you by not screwing up every day, there are a few special issues that are coming up for me this year. As they affect my son I wanted a place to air them out besides grinding my teeth on them. Also I spent Sunday, usually a peaceful, moseying sort of day for me, stuck on the couch in a red, droopy, insanely itchy eyed fog in which I could barely read and ended up listening to old NPR shows while my to do list knocked at my skull and Kade wondered what was wrong with me and tried to cheer me up (I love this kid, ya'll, he's got Corey's heart).

I haven’t written much about the custody issues and my personal views on my divorce as I was raised on the Internet and therefore aware that what goes on the Internet stays there and can be forever found (although cases in Europe might be changing that slowly). The custody battle-for that is what it turned out to be-was long, protracted, and a mess. More so than others, less so than a great and sad majority, but nonetheless my own experience to struggle through. Now, the paperwork’s been signed by a judge and we have been working the parenting plan with varying degrees of success.

The plan, as we agreed to through mediation, included three “reunification” visits for Tristan to step up and for Kade to remember that Tristan is a person in his life to trust, and also weekly Skype sessions to keep Kade’s memory fresh. I requested these as Tristan went a year only seeing Kade once. We signed and finalized everything in November last year; Tristan has just finished his three reunification visits, 7 months later. Between November and April when we met via phone with the mediator again, Tristan had Skyped with Kade four times and seen him once on his birthday in February. In November Tristan said one weekend a month wouldn't be enough time with his son; now due to fire season he can’t take him for his first full weekend. He wasn't working for who knows how long, and is deeply in the hole regarding child support. I'm making it because I have to, but the support money would help with those sorta kinda extra things, like more frequent haircuts or a water proof cast for a kid that's nearly impossible to keep out of water.

I don’t feel just one thing about all this; it’s a whole constantly stirring stew. I’m coming to realize how much I do need time off to recharge, to rest, to get my head back in the game, but mostly to shore up my store of patience. I have a ton more now than I ever did with another person, but I still have down days when it takes all my effort to go through the daily routine with some degree of grace. One of the biggest ways I add to my store of patience is horse time, which has been badly lacking and spotty for years now. I've discovered endurance riding and the people who do it are, almost wholly, awesome. There really isn't many better places to be than a ride camp. But Kade is far too young to be trusted at camp alone, and I don’t have close enough friends to watch him while I ride other people’s horses. To be truthful, one of the biggest reasons I was rooting for Tristan to have full weekends with Kade, aside from Kade knowing his dad, is time off for me to get to a ride camp and ride.

 Even bigger is while I am a single parent in the day to day, Kade has a father he should know, a whole other side to his family. We were lucky enough to have his grandparents from his father’s side visit and stay with us for a few days, returning a small bit of the hospitality they showed us in allowing Kade to be born in their house. As a person in this rather disconnected, increasingly chaotic world, you need all the support you can get, and Kade is lucky enough to have both parents, grandparents, cousins, and several great grandparents alive, scattered all over the globe.

I've gon through my grieving process, and with the help of family, friends, and a counselor, I managed to avoid a ton of pitfalls regarding my parenting relationship with Tristan. Sure there were days in which if I heard he fell off the face of the planet I wouldn't shed a tear, but I've come to the place where for Kade's sake I know better. When he's a little older and he's asked at school what his dad does, I want him to be able to say with a bit of pride that his dad fights wildfires...not that he doesn't know. On those horrible days when he just needs support or one more cheering voice in his section, I want him to know there's somebody else out there rooting for him.

I think what really gets to me is that at the end of the day, whether Kade gets that support from his dad isn't up to me, not anymore. I can follow the rules, I can accommodate, I can try to make it easy and agree to meet halfway. It's Tristan's choice on how much he follows through for his son, and all I can do is be there to pick up the pieces.

Because I am Mom.