Quite a few things fell by the wayside in November. 52000 words typed in a month, all original, all connected to some greater evolving plot, putting characters together in 30 days. On top of my normal pay the rent job, being a single mother to a Wild Rumpus, being a horse crazy woman, and attending toddler class to grow a little more perceptive as a mother.
In November, I gave up on laundry completely. I could get our clothes through the washer and dryer, but once it hit a basket and was labeled as clean, there it sat. The pile didn't get bigger, as I was always pulling clothes out of the pile every morning. Dishes piled up until I had to dig around in the sink for the sponge to wash them. The vacuum sat, probably wondering if it was time to retire. The scattered paperwork of adult life piled up, unorganized, on my desk. My journal hasn't been cracked open in 30 days. Our diet, such as it was, fell off the Cliffs of Insanity.
But it was all worth it. One weekend mostly repaired the damage that 52000 words left in their wake. Fresh, healthy food is in the fridge and cupboards, the clothes made it cleanly back into the closet and shelves, and the vacuum got quite the workout yesterday. I wrote a novel, or at least the first 12 chapters of a completely new, original novel in 30 days. Despite still coming to grips with single motherhood, keeping the Wild Rumpus healthy and giggly, maintaining my job, I did it. That is a high that is hard to get down from.
When I need a boost, which I sometimes do, as it's winter and blah and trying to keep Kaeden entertained for two days straight by myself can get frustrating for a saint, I plop Kade in the Ergo or his stroller and we go. Every time I get moving, I wonder why I stopped. There are very few things that can turn my mood around so fast as getting those endorphin's pumping by riding or hiking. Kade happily sat in the stroller all the way to the library and back yesterday, a three mile round trip. It didn't matter that it was a grey, sprinkling day. We were outside and moving together, and that turned our whole day around; Kade even went to sleep that night without protest. He's been able to go to sleep every night for the past 10 without drama, thanks to some tips I implemented from my parenting class.
One tip was both from my parenting class and my therapist. I hadn't really thought about it, but Kade and I did not have any white noise while we were sleeping, even though every night since Kade has been born, barring trips, we've all fallen asleep to various audio books. As soon as Tristan left and Kade and I started sharing a room again, I was no longer listening to books at night. Every book I had to listen to just reminded me of the past three years and what has been trashed and tarnished, become unrecognizable and a source of pain.
I found some new books, ones we've never listened to, and now both Kade and I drop right into sleep, and we sleep through the night. There has also been several batches of good news lately that keeps me focused on my plans for the future rather than dwelling on painful facts or equally painful conjectures.
I've been invited to interview for a very secure position I can see myself happy in, and being able to support Kade, myself, and my horse habit comfortably in, for many years. If that doesn't work out, there is a contracted spot being offered at Kade's daycare, which will allow me time and space free from worry about Kade's care to pursue more schooling, or a higher paying position. This weekend, I'll be shadowing a well respected local farrier, to see how viable that option would be for Kade and I.
Kade and I-this is the way I think now. It's no longer an internal struggle, a second guessing, something I have to remind myself of. Kaeden comes first. This thought is as easy as breathing now, something I've struggled to reach for so long. This job I'm interviewing for, it's not my dream job, or even on the dream job list. It offers so many other things I'm seeking: Stability, benefits, a higher pay grade, steadiness. I want to be able to offer those things to Kade. My plan, my goal, and my hope is to be mostly settled, career and location wise, by the time Kaeden is school age.
Tomorrow, I go riding, and that grin will stay on my face for a week. I've managed to find the situation I was hoping for; I ride a very kind woman's older, saner endurance horse who still has plenty of miles left, while she rides her young, still a bit green Arab with a beautiful head (yes, a horse's head is the first thing I notice). We've hit it off, which means so far I haven't driven her crazy with my incessant need to talk to an adult and she doesn't think I'm incompetent. We have a set weekly ride, and after Christmas it will be time to start ramping up conditioning rides for this summer's ride season.
I haven't quite reached the "whatever" stage where it comes to Tristan and the end of our family, but I have more than enough to keep me busy. I'm still working on my novel, just to see where it goes; toddler parenting class has two more weeks left; Christmas is coming up; I have a goal of exercising a certain amount each and every day; and all this on top of work and house keeping and tickling Kaeden and reading him his new favorite book every night before bed, "Big Red Barn."
Life moves forward. As Becky says, I made it three months, and it goes get better.
I love you, Wild Rumpus.
No comments:
Post a Comment